Sometimes I do not miss him.

I think it is important to note this too.

I have felt guilty at times- here I am mourning someone who did not die young or suddenly, who had a wonderful life and a happy home, who we knew would eventually die. Sometimes I felt badly when we left to go camping for a few days or spend a weekend in Chicago. Somehow I did not feel bad when I was cleaning up messes or counting pills, or waking up early to make breakfast or canceling plans to meet with the Hospice nurse.

Tonight, the kitchen is a mess from baking and the living room is cluttered with toys.

When I walked through, I suddenly thought, “quickly, clean up those toys; Grandpa’s walker won’t get through.”

It has been months since I had to think about his walker.

The house can be a little messy and I can leave the dishes until morning if I’m too tired. I can make a vegetable-heavy meal and not think of a meat + potatoes alternative. In fact if I’m not back by dinnertime, that’s okay too.

I made this pumpkin roll tonight and it would not have been one of my Grandpa’s favorites. And that is okay too. I am leaving the dishes until morning and trying my best not to feel guilty about the times when I don’t miss this last year and all the responsibilities that came along with it.